Freeing myself: anger and shame in motherhood

As an army family, we move every 2-3 years, which means that I have spoken to new therapists often. It also means that I've had experience with many different types of therapists- some excellent and one who was so awful that I had to actually file official reports against him. Before I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety, I was never given a diagnosis for my issues and quirks and concerns. I was often told that I was "just an overwhelmed mom with young kids." I mean, obviously. But for some reason, that overwhelm must be so common that all of my anger, my rage, my fears were brushed aside.

I also suffer from...scratch that- my family also suffers from my Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) every month. PMDD is a much more severe version of PMS. It's an abnormal reaction to normal hormone changes that happen with each menstrual cycle. Women who suffer from depression and anxiety are at higher risk of developing it. With PMDD, I don't get cranky, I get stabby and ragey and angry. I have zero tolerance for BS. I can't stand social media when my PMDD starts because I suddenly can't stand any person on any page. I say things that I then have to apologize for later, things that I might feel but would never say the rest of the month. I need to go to sleep in the middle of the day just for a little relief from it. I hate PMDD. I hate how it makes me feel all the things and I hate how I am when suffering from it.

About three or four years ago, we were living in TN, and I was seeing a brilliant therapist. We talked about my worries, the relationships in my life, my struggles. She taught me what a narcissist is and gave me fantastic books to read. (She also then assured me that no, I am not a narcissist when I got worried that maybe I am mean to people I love sometimes- because a narcissist would never worry that they were one). One day I was in her office and I was talking to her about my PMDD. I explained all of the anger and rage that I feel during that time- and how it scares me. And she then asked me a question that I will never forget. She looked me straight in the eye and said,

"Have you ever thought that maybe it's not that you feel things more strongly during your period, but maybe PMDD pulls down your walls and lets you finally feel the anger that you keep inside the rest of the month? Maybe your defenses are finally down and you don't have to keep those negative feelings inside so you can be 'a good mom' and a polite woman. Maybe it's your time to just not give a damn anymore."

My initial reaction was "No, no, no. I'm not an angry person. I'm pleasant and kind and nice." But the more that I thought about it, the more her words stuck with me. Because as women, we are taught that to be worth, we must be perfect mothers and wives and friends and neighbors. These women are polite and smiley. They don't rage. They don't scream so loudly that the ears hurt, they don't slam doors, they don't cry that they are damaged and unworthy. And yet, they do. We all do in some way. Maybe we silently curse off the asshole who cut us off. Or we roll our eyes when we read someone's post that we don't agree with. Or maybe we throw something across the room when we just. cant. take. it. anymore. I struggle with my anger so much because it scares me. And other people's anger triggers that little girl fear response in me. Why does my anger scare me? Why don't I trust myself to experience that emotion fully? Why do I fight it, kicking and screaming, until I am literally doing just that? This is something that I need to continue to work on in therapy (when I finally find a new therapist here in TX).

My PMDD is real and it's something that I have struggled with for a very long time. My medication helps, but I'm still trying to figure out the best ways to get through that time each month. I don't want to come up with excuses for bad behavior. But I'm human and with that humanity comes struggles and mistakes and learning. But I'll tell you, it's freeing to know that I don't have to keep my anger inside of me for the month only to have it blow before my period. If you struggle with anger or intense PMS, I'd be interested to hear how you cope with those struggles to honor your feelings in a constructive way. How do you let yourself fully experience that anger, without raging out at the people you love the most?