Are you there Glennon? It's me, Jackie.

I’m on the crest of the roller coaster, 11 years of parenting 3 kiddos under my belt, on the precipice of riding into the faster part of parenthood. And I feel like my cart is about to go off the tracks. I’m 38 years old, and have been with the love of my life, for the last 18 years. He’s in the army, which makes me an army wife. What that also means is that my life has not been fully mine for the last 18 years. My life is dictated by the needs of the army- I move where they tell us to move every 2-3 years, I become a single parent for months or a year at a time when they need my husband, and my “job” has been to serve everyone else- my children, my husband, the families in our units. For years, that was enough. It had to be, because I couldn’t fit anything else in. And I tried to take time for myself- I go to the gym because I like working out and I’m competitive by nature. I’ve taken random classes like pottery. I go to girl’s nights with friends. And my husband has tried to be so supportive through the years. He is the most amazing man I’ve ever met and doesn’t hesitate to take over cooking and grocery shopping and kid’s needs when my anxiety and depression become too much for me. He is affectionate and patient and kind and smart and sexy as hell. He’s my favorite person.

And yet, here I am, in tears often because now all my kids are in school (5, 8, 11), my husband is in a position where we are not with other army families who need my help, and suddenly I feel worthless to the world. I try to remember that I am smart and capable and well educated. I graduated near the top of my class in high school, I went to Vassar, I should be able to do all the things. But I’m stuck. And I feel like I don’t know how to get out of this spot now. All I need to do is apply for jobs- work would give me purpose, right? But then all the logistics fill my anxious mind… What if a kid gets sick? What about all the things that I do around the house- when will those get done? How will I work and also pick up the kids from school?

I feel directionless. And angry at myself that I let this happen. Should I have somehow been working on a career these last two decades when I was fresh out of college then newly married, moving every 2 years, raising babies, running army family groups? And I end up feeling the worst feeling of all- resentment. Resentment towards my saint of a husband because he has literally had every dream job he’s ever wanted since he graduated from college. He’s had an amazing army career while also getting a masters degree and now working towards his phd… and I’m still doing dishes and laundry, and dealing with the rage of it all. He tells me that anyone would be lucky to hire me because I am all the things… that I’m just lacking confidence. But how do I gain that confidence when I’ve been out of it for so long?

I just want someone to shake me and tell me to get into action. To say “here, this is what you should be doing with your life now.” Because I’m lost and terrified and I don’t remember who I’m supposed to be. I want to be a freaking cheetah, but I’m stuck in quicksand. I miss being the confident girl who graduated college thinking I could do anything. I was silly and fun and would work 16 hour days without batting an eye if you asked me to. I was so excited to have the rest of my life in front of me. And now I’m 38 and feeling like the rest of my life is going to go by in an instant and what will I have to show for it at the end?

Deep down, I know I have so much to offer the world. I want to do something impactful and creative and I want people to tell me that I’m doing a good job and that they appreciate me and look up to me. I want to create beauty and share my story and feel driven by purpose. I have no idea how. But I know that I will be a better mother and wife when I figure it out. Not because getting a job will fill a void on some life purpose chart (those charts make me super anxious because my career section is just as depressing as my spirituality section). But because spending my time learning and creating and working towards some sort of purpose will hopefully light a fire under me and pour over into other parts of my life. I want to see my kids after school and feel recharged from a day of productivity and purpose so I have energy for them. Right now I’m just a broken bumper cars in the corner of the track that is out of use with the guy telling everyone "no, no, choose a different one, that one needs repairs."